March 21, 2014
By Mike Caccioppoli
We interrupt the ongoing, non-stop coverage of flight 370 to bring you a message from President John McCain:
My friends and fellow Americans, I am speaking to you from the Oval Office today because I have made the decision that we must go to war with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics immediately. This decision has not come easily, it took me about two days, but it takes a tough man to make tough decisions and I am that man. Therefore I will send two million troops into the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics as part of our first wave of attacks. Shortly thereafter I will send in another two million as part of the surge after the first wave. The first wave we will call “Operation Red Thunder and Lightning” and we are currently taking suggestions for the name of the surge, and you can send in your ideas to JohnMcCainisourPresident.gov.
If you are under 30 and we pick your slogan as the winner you will be exempt from the draft. Yes my friends and fellow Americans, we will have to re-institute the draft. As usual we will take many boys from the inner cities and put them on the front lines but since this is such an enormous mission we will also be drafting from the suburbs and rural areas because I know those boys are so excited to defend and die for their country in order to protect Crimea and the sovereignty of the Ukraine. They are just raring to go and we can’t wait to send them thousands of miles away to die for something that every young man has been thinking about for so long.
Yes, my friends and fellow Americans I am finally fulfilling my half century long wet dream of going to war with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. It makes me a very happy old man to be announcing this to you from the Oval Office. Since our honorable Vice President, Sarah Palin, can see the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics from her house in Alaska, I am sending her home with a pair of military grade binoculars so that she can monitor the situation for us. I’m sure she will accept this duty with the same willingness and sense of responsibility that she put into her campaign to help bring an NRA recruiting table to every high school in this great country.
I know that some of you, my friends and fellow Americans, are wondering how long this war may last. Well, that is a hard question to answer. It could last 300 years or it could be over quickly if we have to nuke each other. That decision hasn’t been made yet. So yes, 300 years or about 10 minutes, your guess is as good as mine. Obviously the latter would cost less money so we are weighing that option. But let’s not worry about the economic issue right now. I mean what does money really mean when we can end the heavy handed rule of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and their repugnant bare chested leader, Vlad Putin?
We must all be prepared to give a little in this quest. For the wealthy among us it will be tough. I ask that you really think about what we are doing, to really sit in your mansions and luxury condos and contemplate what it must be like for those of us who aren’t rich to have our sons and even daughters get slaughtered, probably thousands on a daily basis. Make sure you feel their pain before going to the spa or that five star restaurant. This will be your cross to bear.
For those whose sons and daughters I am sending to war, well, you should be comforted in knowing that I and all of the rich and wealthy Americans are thinking about you and your children at least for 10-15 seconds each day. We are all with you. We are all Americans.
So we head to war with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics in order to preserve the right for only this nation to go and take over another country whenever we damn well please. I’m sure our brave soldiers understand that right and will fight for it with honor and pride.
Thank you my friends and fellow Americans and God bless the United States of America.