March 9, 2014
By Mike Caccioppoli
Watching CPAC 2014 I was reminded of the great film “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” The hall where the annual meeting of “conservatives” was held could very well be the large psychiatric ward in the film. The inmates getting a chance to put on a show by yelling and screaming about everything they hate, all their neurosis on display. The other inmates laughing and giving each other high fives. Of course the rest of us look on, amazed at how crazy they all are, and how they don’t even know it. They think their behavior is normal. Poor souls.
The inmates that are really good, that have been in the ward for a real long time, get to take the stage and talk to the others. They are considered the craziest of the crazy. There they were, in full display for all of us sane people to watch.
They said the nuttiest things like mothers who can’t pay for their kids lunches don’t love them. That was inmate Ryan. He loves to work out in the ward’s gym. He tried to become second in command of the nuthouse a couple of years ago but failed miserably.
There was a really crazy woman who likes to dress up like a hooker reading from “Green Eggs and Ham.” Her name is inmate Palin. Don’t make too much fun though because that is where her reading level is and she really does try! Unfortunately she doesn’t comprehend enough to realize, in that novel, the person who tried the green eggs and ham, which she equates to Obamacare, actually liked the meal. But at least she is reading and that’s a good thing. She also tried to become second in command of the nuthouse some years back, and failed.
There was a guy who doesn’t like to comb his hair. Inmate Trump. Whenever a nurse tries to comb it he screams “You’re fired!” and runs away. He was up on the stage saying that the leader of Russia, Vlad Putin, was toying with Obama and playing him for a fool. This makes sense when you look at this inmates particular neurosis. He often pretends to be a dictator, ruler of the world! So the doctors believe it makes perfect sense that he would relate to a guy like Putin. Inmate Trump will probably never get out.
Some of the inmates are rather old, and have been in the institution for a very long time. This would be inmate McConnell. When he came into the institution they allowed him to bring in his old rifle which couldn’t shoot any bullets anyway so it’s harmless. He went on stage waving his rifle, looking like the old man who screams to get off his property before he shoots! Old inmate McConnell really just looked silly and totally nutty. The other inmates really loved that one. We sane people just thought jokingly, “Yeah you are really really tough..wow!” Poor old guy.
There is inmate Cruz from Texas. He has this weird obsession with health care. Whenever a nurse tries to give him his meds he yells about repealing his medications! He gets up and shouts “We are all going to repeal our medications with or without the support of this asylum.” It’s funny because he has been screaming about this for years and he even led his fellow inmates in 50 mock appeals of their medications. But alas they are still forced to take them. Doesn’t stop inmate Cruz from ranting and raving about repealing them. The doctors just pat him on the head and say “Sure Teddy sure..”
The asylum’s favorite inmate this year is inmate Paul. It’s complicated to get into, but his dad, former inmate Paul, was often the favorite of the asylum so the inmates love his boy as well. They both have this weird sing song way of talking that is really annoying but it seems to sooth the other inmates. It even makes them think the world would be a perfect place without rules or regulations because then they would be able to run the asylum…the inmates. So it makes sense that they would consider him top banana of the asylum.
Finally there was a relatively new inmate who is sometimes liked and sometimes not liked by the other inmates. This year they seem to like him. He is inmate Christie. He went on stage and really got the other inmates on his side by saying that their crazy ideas are actually loved by the sane people outside the asylum when they really get to hear them. This made the inmates go crazy with applause. Inmate Christie really knew what to say to get his fellow inmates to adore him again. This makes some of the doctors wonder if he is actually crazy or just really sly and manipulative. For now they are going to keep him in the asylum because he likes to play with little toy cars and miniature bridges. It really occupies his time.
Yes folks this was CPAC 2014. Amusing as hell for us sane people to watch. But also kinda sad and scary when you think about how these lunatics actually exist and get a platform to show off their psychosis year after year.